Are there any worn out parents out there?? Okay okay, you don’t have to scream at me, I hear you! I’m right there with you, some days more than others. I want to help you, so let me tell you a little story. Well, it’s not so much a story as just what I got up to yesterday.
We’ve all been a little sick these school holidays, but we were finally feeling better so thought I’d get the kids out of the house for a bit, but still in a way that felt easy enough for me. I declined a friend’s invite that would involve a 30 minute drive and structured activities that I’d likely have to assist the kids with. I opted instead for simple. We went down to our local bowling club (aka “bowlo”) which we can walk to. It has an enclosed outdoor playground, meaning parents can relax a little easier knowing the kiddos are quite safe from traffic or running away. Some friends joined us and it felt easy and full of connection. Then came lunch time and I knew we had no bread left at home, and no leftovers in the fridge for us to raid. This meant I would have to convince hungry kids to walk home, get hungry kids in the car, drive hungry kids to the shops to get bread, get hungry kids back in the car to go home, and then try to make lunch with hungry kids (read cranky kids). I suddenly felt stressed, knowing the next hour or two would be full of whingeing, crying, nagging, fighting and probably yelling (much of it by me!).
The kind of self-care I really needed, or could manage in this particular moment was not of the typical “doing” variety:- having a kid-free break to meditate, taking a walk in nature, doing some deep breathing, repeating an uplifting mantra, or preparing a nutritious meal. What I needed was simply less stress, and less doing. I put aside all the “shoulds” of being a “good parent”. Things like - I shouldn’t spend more money; I should make lunch at home; I should make a “healthy” meal. My decision? I did the opposite of what I normally would do (the above hungry kids scenario) and ended up calling hubby who works from home. He walked down and met us at the bowlo, and we shared a meal while the kids shared a bowl of hot chips before all walking home together. And let me tell you, it was SO GOOD. I felt so much more relaxed, and having my hubby come out and have lunch with us (a rarity) actually made it almost holiday-like. We were all so happy afterwards, it was the best possible self-care for that moment!
Thinking of self care as being something you need to DO just isn’t really all that helpful to a busy parent. It’s just one more thing to add on to the already long to-do list. Real impactful in-the-moment self care needs to come in a more achievable form. A way that can happen daily, even when the kids are around. Because lets face it. As parents, we don’t always get time to ourselves in the day until after the kids are in bed at night, and then we’re just too bloody exhausted. We need to try to lessen that exhaustion in as easy a way as possible.
I recognise that I am in a place of privilege being able to afford to eat out in this situation, and that my husband was able to come and help with the parenting. Not everyone will have these luxuries and that’s ok. Think of what you CAN do that would make YOUR day easier, even if it goes against the grain of what we might think it means to be a good parent. Eat in front of the TV (shock horror!!), let your kids skip their bath for a day, stay in pyjamas all day long and don’t leave the house, order takeout for dinner, eat in the bath to save cleaning up. If there’s something achievable that will help your day have more ease, please go ahead and take the plunge. There are so many options, you can do what really works for YOU in YOUR very unique situation. You get to make the rules for you. In this situation, me being relaxed, happy and full of fun, laughter and connection was far better for my kids than a slightly more nutritious meal with a side of resentment.
Credit where credit’s due: I have not yet read this book ( waiting for it to become available at the library), but the change in the way I’m starting to think about self care has been inspired by the book ‘Real Self Care’ by Pooja Lakshmin.